I've reached my limit

I told myself many many uncountable times. Fuck. Sorry cause this post will be full of this words but I can't help it. My anger has reached it's limit.

Everyone kept telling me to keep myself cool and steady and it's just 6 months to go before moving out from the college. Well, today I really can't stand it anymore. I'm having my night shift and of course the one that knows well of course definitely my roommates. But guess what?! Not all are considerate and have brain. Well, actually it's just ONE.

The most shift ever, working for almost than 12hours from 8pm - 8am without any sleep, some more in the busiest ward EVER, call bells ringing, popos feeling agitated, plus walking up down, left right non stop the whole night. And I only can get my sleep for like 7 hours then I have to wake up, bath eat and prepare myself for another busy night again?

Can you be more considerate brainless 21? Yup, I name you brainless 21. I don't want to be too obvious even though it's already damn obvious. Whatever you might say, I write it down in internet to talk bad or gossip or stab behind your back or whatever. We are all girls, who doesn't gossip? Let me tell you something, you should felt proud because you got people from different country reading bout you, and you deserve this international advertisement.

When you're sleeping, I'm considerate enough to lower down the noises when I'm listening to music and when watching dramas. People did mistakes so do I, and I might have talked loudly sometimes but you know what you did? You " TSK " me, loudly with the hmmmm! WHAT...THE...FUCK!!! I never complain the chickeedee noises you made when you talking to your bf till 2-3am at night that annoys me, bang the door hard when I'm still sleeping from the tiring night shift, move on the bed like nobody's business. Seriously, who the fuck you think you are?

Fuck you. Everytime I knew you having morning shift the next day, and you slept early, I surely will try my best to decrease my movement when I climb up to the bed, to make sure didn't wake you up. You made noises with your bunch of friends in the room till 1am during exam and YOUR roommates, not just me, were wide awake staring at the bright light on top of up, can't go to sleep due to the light and the noises. We didn't even TSK the hell out of you!

Please! You're a grown up! Behave like one! Contribute more in this college! To the room! Don't show face when we call you to clean the room! It's not like we are born to see you show face to us!

I'm having whole week leave next week, and I'm so damn happy because I no need to see your face for at least 8 days. I can sleep soundly and happily without worrying when are you coming back from work to wake me up from sleep. You're making my life so miserable in the sense of not letting me to sleep. So proud huh? Fuck you brainless 21.

Tonight is my last night, I wouldn't mind if i not getting enough sleep cause I can sleep all I want. Wa, see you coming into my room really make me feel like slapping you in the face. Don't act innocent, you're not with your armpit smell. ARGH, stop talking with the act cute noise, waaaa, want to act like cat!

PUHLEEAAASSEE LA~!!!

Stay Positive!!! I did it!!

Today is considered the baddest day of the week for me. The most unlucky day. Damn! But, amazingly, I kept myself calm and cool. I did not let my hot temper go wild. A few bad things had happened to me. Not to hurt me physically but still those little tiny mini things will made me gone crazy for normal days.

Let me list out the unlucky incidences that occurred to me today.

1) Argue with a BABI last night caused me insomnia till 2am. Fine, today morning shift, I drank a cup of coffee to kept me going for the whole shift.

2) Didn't slept that well cause had nightmare for the third day consistently. This time about car crash. Bad bad sign.

3) Due to the empty stomach early in the morning, and I'm in the busiest team this morning, I've expected myself will not have my tea time. So, I cooked tom yam maggie + egg this morning at 6am =P. Finish eating, wanted to go out and wash my bowl, pooom! Tom yam all over my uniform! Oh yeah, and the eggs too. All over the floor and I left 20 mins to go to the ward. I quickly took off my uniform, put it in a pail of water realizing that's the last ironed set of uniform, desperately, I quickly go take my un-iron uniform and it look like shit :(. Wipe my floor, put on the new uniform and rush to hospital. SWEATY!!!

4) Reached the ward, manage to copy all the inhalations and it turns out damn loads of them. All have to give in the morning, and I'm the only senior in the team. Fine~

5) Then my junior got scolded for nothing but HER. But since I'm a good senior I helped her to give a good feedback xD. But still, YOU shouldn't scold us 'students' cause we did a lot of things that you won't know.

6) During lunch time, my 'beloved' junior, went for her lunch for more than 30 mins, I think bout 40mins+, and she haven't came back. This seriously made me a bit mad cause I'm starving and in a hypoglycemic state. Restless and diaphoresis.  I don't care anymore, cause staff told me to go eat and don't wait for her.

7) Went to toilet, open the tap water and all splashed onto my uniform, again! My uniform is white and can see through! Arggghhh!

I wrote this as 3.07pm, even though I might not know what the following bad things will happen to me after this hour, I'll still stay positive no matter what.

I've learn a lesson, care less, hurt less. I didn't expect people will return the 'care' I gave them but at least, give me some care ok? I'm tired mentally and physically. If I kept on giving and not receiving, I really scared I might lose my mind, very very soon. That time you can't blame me for being unreasonable and throwing my tantrum.

Amazingly, I still keeping my sanity intact LOL because the whole day I've been telling myself, behind all the bad stuffs, surely God will give a little good thing to me. Even if it's minor, it's still considered a blessing.

I definitely not going to let this to ruin my day!! Hiek hiek ROAR!!!

Complicated feelings.

Yes, it's my own fault again.

Yes, this is an emo post.

Having miserable, unexplainable feelings right now.

Have anyone of you felt these kind of feelings before?

That your whole world had just crushed in just few seconds?

Yes, I'm experiencing it now.

What should I do? Exams round the corner and I just added myself another stress.

The more I want it to be out of my head, the more I kept thinking bout it.

It's the past I know but, I just can't.

I can't accept the fact.

I know I did mistakes too but, this truth is too hard to be accepted.

I need time.

I need some space for my own.

I can feel insomnia is creeping and crawling to me.

Palpitation, nervousness, sweaty hands, body shivering, shaky hands.

Holding tears in my eyes. Preventing them to drop to the Earth.

I need to release myself.

I'm sorry.

But I just need to go out to release myself for this once.

I just need some time to forget and pass through this.

Once this miserable, complex feelings of mine go away, I'll be myself again definitely.

I won't harm myself but I won't guarantee that.

I've been through I lot these few months.

I believe that I'm strong enough to go through this again. 

It's just too sudden and I can't accept it at this moment.

Humans change. I change. You change. Everyone changes.

I don't know how to forgive myself. 

This is the critical moment, after this, I hope I'll be okay.

I'll try my best. I always try my best in everything. 

I'm sorry.

I'm truly sorry. 

What can I do to forgive myself?

Don't drop, don't give up. Stand up.

Hang in there. 

Grieving

Second night has passed and the whole hospital is on the high census season now. Why the hell the census is so dam high? On discharge and another admission coming. The bed have not been carbolize yet and phone calls coming asking for First Class Bed.

Ok, Rest In Peace. I'm in the grieving state now. I think you know why I'm in such state after my previous blog.

Man's live are short. We should enjoy each and every moment whenever we could because we doesn't know when we will be gone. This moment laughing and having a meal with you but the next moment you're gone.

I just woke up from my deep sleep. It's 3.00pm now. And I'm still tired. Whole body aching due to over activity last night. Strained my muscles and my both hands are energyless. My brain total shut down and having hormone imbalance at the moment.

What's happening to my body? Is this the sign of getting old?! NOOOO, I'm just 20. Sweet 20. I'm going to drink my Yakult and and get some sleep again. Goodnight.

First Time ever.

Yesterday night was the first of the 4 nights I'm working in the ward I'm assigned of. I myself requested the night shift as I accumulate all my public holidays during Merdeka Day and also Hari Raya. So, next week I'll be off the whole week =D, yup, something to be happy of but unfortunately, some unlucky things happened.

After finish passing report, my colleague and I were taking observations, closing up the I/O chart, answering the unstoppable call bells, and things were kinda calm. But when one of my staffs went and check out the antibiotic to see it's finish already or not, she came out and informed my Charge Nurse.

My colleague and I were sitting at the counter check the stuffs and I heard my Charge Nurse made a phone call and she said, "Page for Code Blue". I was like super shocked cause I thought I heard wrongly. Code Blue? Are you kidding me? My Charge Nurse was extremely calm and I quickly went and help her to push the emergency trolley into the room.

I can't say much things here. I'm not allowed to. But it was the first time ever I did CPR, which means cardiopulmonary resuscitation.I know that in movies CPR means mouth to mouth rescue breathing. It's not like that. In hospital we rarely do mouth to mouth as to protect us, medical workers. CPR is doing chest compression, by pressing the chest down by manually helping the patient's heart to pump.

Night shift doesn't have much staffs working. So we students are to stand by for the CPR. No carotid pulse, pupils fully dilated, these were the theories we learned but when it came to the real situation, you'll gained experience from it. 

All patients will be sent to ICU, Intensive Care Unit after each code blue. So I followed my staff together and Sister in-charge called me to be the helper in ICU as it's full house there. I stayed with the patient and help whatever I could while I'm observing the Intensive Care Nurse and also anesthetist doing her job. Putting CVL (central venous line), arterial line. At last, patient was kinda stabilized down. 

Amazingly, I faced the whole situation calmly even though at first when paging for code blue I was a bit shocked. Adrenaline rush haha. I realized something, when come to this kind of situation, staying calm is the most important thing. Because when you get nervous, you cant think of anything else. 

So in the end, I became the helper in ICU for 3 hours and helped in sponging a patient =)))

I'm glad I did lent a hand and it was a great experience to me. I'm so proud to be a nurse.

Colour pencil

Once someone told me about the story of a colour pencil.

The story was sent to me through mail.

It was written at 2am.

It says that a relationship is just like a colour pencil.

You said if you have the power of Harry Porter, you will make the colour pencil to be sharp forever.

You will wave the magic wand to sharpen it forever.

Nothing can make it blunt.

Whenever it's blunt, you will sharpen it again for me.

 You said will use the colour pencil to have a colourful life ahead.

You told me you prayed for the same things every night.

I'm trying hard to sharpen the blunt colour pencil again. No matter how long it might take, I will try every single way to sharpen it again and again. I will not miss a single chance anymore. I've made a great mistake by making it blunt. But as long as the lead is still inside the colour pencil, it will definitely become a beautiful colour pencil again. 

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. It was the biggest mistake ever.

Nurse, a funny job =D

Since I myself chose this profession, I can't complain much and only can live my life and adapt to it. There are some funny things that I've observed for the passed 2 years and half.

1) We change bedsheets more than we change our own bedsheet at home.

2) During morning, you will be seeing WE, nurses wearing a transparent plastic apron running around wearing damn funny slippers or sometimes 'Phua Chu Kang' boots pushing commode chair to 'fetch' patient for toilet bath. You all must be thinking what the hell are we doing hahaha.

3) We serve food to people and feed old people eat more than we serve food and feed our own 'old people'. But the feeling of enjoyment when we saw those grandpa and grandma finish up all the food, is indescribable :))

4) We see 'tsunamis' as in diarrhea cases worse than you all could ever imagine. Well, there goes my lunch and dinner.

5) We get scoldings more than your teacher scold you while you're still schooling. 

6) Some of us may appeared small and tiny, but we are way stronger and tougher than you think we are, externally and internally. Don't underestimate us. 

7) For female nurses, it's expected to see us once in awhile to pull our bra straps cause it will definitely drop when we carry patients, or when we change bedsheets or doing any procedure. Bah, don't simply think.

8) You will see us with super neat and tidy hair at the beginning of the shift, glowing and smiling but after a few hours, the smiles are all gone, and the tiny strands of hair coming out from the cap and looked damn tired. But when passing report time, we'll be glowing again as we know it's time to go back home!!

9) When things got real busy and we're running up and down, we tends to get bruises and scratches that we don't even know where the hell we got it from.

10) One thing for sure, we always look forward for our off day!!!

Few more things that always made my bad day to the greatest day ever...

1) I see hope

2) I see smiles

3) I see appreciation to us, nurses

4) We feel the happiness and enjoyment that no one can ever imagine

5) And we learned how to cope with extreme stress.

Gonna go to sleep now, just finish my noon shift. Till next time =))

Totally Random!!

Late blog again, been suuuuupppeeeeeerrrrrbbbb busy for a whole week. Kinda busy xDDD. As my title said, random!!!

Had random outing last Thursday night! It's public holiday (Malaysia Day) on the Friday, so I've been asking people out and seems like transportation is a really big problem for us. Supposed to go club, but in the end it fails awwww. But guess what?! At night bout 10pm, a friend of mine Keng Huat, which I think I knew him since many years ago but never actually seen him face to face suddenly ask me to go Genting. Yup! Genting again! I hesitated cause it's kinda late, but when he mentioned that an old friend of mine from high school is going too, I've changed my mind :)

It's Chan Kai Teng! I only met her once in a while and always only coincidentally. And now I'm going Genting with her! Reached there about 1am, and during the journey up the hill, a lot of stupid damn bikers kept on racing with each other with a Malaysia flag as their cape, damn annoying... They are like blocking the ways and I was thinking, if you gonna to have an accident or what, please don't and not to Keng Huat's car. I've had enough phobia for Genting already. First is the car accident and the second is the got lost thingy.

Ate Chicken Mcdeluxe at 2am in the morning! Damn syok! and Damn spicy! wahahaha! and I had it in Burger King o.O Here are some of the pictures :)

Then we went out and walk along the roadside outside First World Hotel and it's freezing out there! I seriously became a popsicle but luckily I brought my jacket along. We stop by at Oldtown White Coffee and his friends intro a new game to me called Mafia I think? Well, I won a few games muahahaha. Imma good actress!! Wheee!!

Came down bout 4.30am, and overnight at her house. Had some girls chats then we slept till 1pm and ate our brunch... :)

I think I need to sleep already. I'm getting dizzy cause I'm sick. Goodnight people!

Our dance Performance!!

...

I've had enough. I'm tired and I don't want it anymore! Yes, I think you're laughing and smiling and insulting me from within. And I'm suffering here mentally. I just want everything to be normal, and live my life as usual. That's it. No more. I really did tried my best. Get out from my life. IHATEYOU.

Stress No More!!

2 eventful day, yesterday and today! Wahahaha, can release my stress that have been accumulated for the whole week. One thing that I've learn from joining nursing, coping with stress. That's the most obvious thing. Some of the pictures from the Golden Jubilee :)

Hehe

Julie and I

I'm quite surprise cause one of my high school friend sent me a message in Facebook. She's giving me encouragement and understand how's a nurse life and job is. She said nurses ROCKS! I'm quite touch cause there's people out there actually care and concern about me. Thanks my friend...

Well, let me continue storytelling my 2 wonderful days :) Let me start with last night, Saturday night. My bunch of Ipoh friends and I went to The Beer Factory in The Scott's Garden for drinking. Order 3 towers of Tiger, Don't really like Tiger but we only can choose from Tiger and Heineken, and Heineken is quite expensive so we chose Tiger. Firstly 4 of us arrived as 2 more got something else to do. We played Big 2 and those lost have to drink.

Firstly I won a few rounds but eventually I lost back. Sad case. I went to toilet a few times, I guess my bladder is super small and this means that my kidney are working well hahaha. After that 2 of them reached and we continue to play. I don't know why my luck got so bad and I kept on losing. Got a bit...bit drunk then went home bout 2am I think? Don't remember haha. Ok that's all for Saturday. Let me put some camwhore pictures again wohohohooo~

Today went to Sunway Pyramid to buy some raw meat for tomorrow's college 4 in 1 event. Got BBQ! Whooohooo! So I bought drumstick and cheese sausage for Baby Yam and I. Can't wait to eat tomorrow...I'm hungry again :( In Sunway, there's a Muay Thai tournament's going on.

It's funny how people and the crowd enjoyed people in the cell being kicked and punched till they bleed. The harder they hit each other, the louder the cheerings. Well, I'm on of them too hahaha. Not really into this, but there's one match that caught my eye. A chinese guy versus a foreigner... The match was quite tough.

Pretty girl with the board.

They used their shoulders, legs and arms as their wall defense. Blocking is a critical element in Muay Thai. They normally use one hand for blocking and the other hand for attacking. From what I've seen, they kept on aiming for the face, nose and neck. Bruises and scratches are all over the face. Damn hurting =( At last the Chinese guy won! Hahaha! Even though he's skinny, he's tough. Overall there's 3 round, and the Chinese guy, Alexander won 2 rounds.

That's all for today. Have to wake up early for tomorrow's work, Goodnight!! :)

Happy Golden Jubilee!!!

Here by, I would like to wish Tun Tan Cheng Lock College of Nursing,
Happy 50th Anniversary! The Golden Jubilee Celebration.
To have knowledgeable, discipline, thinkable, hardworking, capable and lovable Nurses, therefore they have started this College of Nursing in 50 years ago to personally train and guide us to become one of it. 

You heard me. The proudest day of the year is 10th of September 2011!! wheeeee!!! My college is 50years ago this year! Well done! Thanks to all the tutors and the committee members for making the whole event so successful! Am I considered too? xD Cause we performed for the event too and worked hard on the dance hehehehe!

This week we've been practicing for the whole week non stop, came back from HKL then straight sleep, woke up then do journal, 8pm went down to the hall practice till pass midnight. Even though everything was rushed and fast forwarded, all of us did a great job in performing for the event, we're the closing event and many people praised us that we danced very well and very synchronize...can you believe that?? We only got started this Monday!!  I'm glad I didn't do any mistakes during the performance.

Woke up 6.35am this morning to prepare myself for the final battle for this week. Made up everything today's a grand event for my college, we can't walk and dance with the face of a zombie right? Well, girls, what we normally do? CAMWHORING!! Most of the picture were taken by my friend's camera, so I only put some here.

My roommate!!

My yam yam

Swollen eyes haha

Dance outfit

After finish dance

Smile!!

 

Behind the scenes : I've been called a fat hamster cause I've been eating a lot and my face got rounder and eat like a hamster cause I can chew very fast -.-. They said I can't dance those dance that need steps as my movement is too strong. LOL!! But I did have fun laughing and getting crazy with my bunch of crazy friends.